Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
