got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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