i was rollin on her like bob the builder
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
