Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
