Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
