Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
