What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
