the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
