I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
