You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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