I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just cropdusted the office
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize