I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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