This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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