Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
