So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
