someone threw a dead crab at me
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
