when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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