She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
