I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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