why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So many bounce houses so little time
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
