I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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