Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
