i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize