Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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