My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
