someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
