why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
