So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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