We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
