How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
