I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
