the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
