We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
