you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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