Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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