Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize