And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
