Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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