I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
