I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
