You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
