He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
