Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
