dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
