I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
