All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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