I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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