Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
