theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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