the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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