Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
