the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
