The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
