May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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