tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
