i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
