This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
