Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
