Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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