There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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