Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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