While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She even gives head with a lisp.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize